How do you handle unresolved feelings toward your deceased loved ones?
That's a tough question and it's an issue that makes the grieving process much more difficult. It can cause you to be stuck in a particular phase of grief, such as anger. It's not always negative unresolved issues. Sometimes we can feel guilt because we didn't show the love toward someone that we should have or didn't appreciate them until it was too late. That's when the finality of death can hit you like a ton of bricks. All the things left unsaid.
I'll never forget watching an Oprah episode about 15 years ago. I can't remember the guest's name but she had written a book about "healing" letters. You might be able to Google it and find out more information. It literally changed my life and helped me to deal with my grief concerning my mother and father.
I had so many questions for the both of them regarding their life choices and parenting. My father was taken from us unexpectedly and I felt robbed, especially since I had only met him three years before he died. Like so many of us do, I guess I thought I had all the time in the world to work on our issues. My mother, on the other hand, had a terminal illness. We still didn't have that much time because she died about a year after receiving her diagnosis. There were so many times during that year that I wanted to talk to her about my feelings, but we were so busy fighting the illness that anything else took a back seat. I didn't know what to do with all those feelings. I didn't know how to accept the fact that my questions would simply never be answered. I had to move on. Let me tell you, it's easier said than done.
The guest on that Oprah episode talked about the healing affect of putting your thoughts and feelings on paper. She said to write a letter to your deceased (or living) loved one. Although they will never receive it or be able to respond, you are able to release the bottled up emotions and free yourself. At that point my grief was so raw I was willing to try anything. Boy, did the flood gates open as I starting writing my letters. I had no idea how much I had suppressed regarding my mother. When I was done I had almost ten typed (single spaced) pages. I still have the letter and when I read it I can hardly recognize myself. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I was amazed that the very second I was done, even before the letter was done printing, I felt as if a ton of weight had lifted off my shoulders. I literally felt light. I had a good cry reading over the letter and that was it! After that experience I wrote letters to my father, and even some family members and friends still living. Now I did not send any of them to the living, but I still got about as much relief as I did from the letters to the deceased.
I shared all this to challenge you to do the same. Start with the person you have the most issues with, living or dead, and sit down and write your letter. Allow yourself the time and space to do it in private. The most important thing is to be completely honest and pour your heart out. The letter is for your eyes only unless you choose to share it. You'll be surprised what you learn about yourself in the process. I realized so much about myself as I examined my relationship with my mother through my letter.
I would love to hear from you if you choose to take the challenge. I hope and pray that you get as much healing as I did from my letters.
J
